Dinner with my oldest son ~ my father, my leader

I am cooking dinner for my oldest son.  I rarely mention him as I feel he is more of a Father than a son.  He is not married ( got divorced 20 years ago), been with the same woman for 6 years and very set in his ways.   We didn't get a long for a while as he is bossy and so am I.  After being his Mom for so long, then he subtly took over.  At first, he was advising me, then helping me make decisions and before you knew it, he was making them without me.  That would have been fine but it is my life.  About 3 years ago, I had a fire that destroyed everything I owned.  No, I was not insured,  I left with the clothes on my back and my life.  

I became quite shaky after the fire.  Very indecisive where to live, what to buy, how to get through a day.  I have 3 sons and 1 daughter.  The boys were there for me in every way possible.  The younger two held my hand for a month or so.  I stayed in a Hotel for a six weeks.  I could have stayed at one of their houses but none smoke and I do.  What that meant was I could have saved a lot of money by staying with one of them.  No one argued with me but the oldest.  He is the most practical, decisive, arrogant man I have ever known.  Obviously, that was not what I needed.  I needed to be pampered, cajoled, made to feel secure again.  I needed to feel, I was in control.  Of course, I was not.  He would not come to see me at the hotel because I was not willing to give up smoking to stay with him.  Also, I was incurring a $3000 expense, I did not need to,  So it goes.  I got a new apartment in a senior community, had to buy everything from a spoon to an air conditioner.  I had no furniture, no clothes, no plan.  My kids contributed $5000, for me to get what I needed.  That is not a lot of money when you have to buy everything.  I went on a spending spree at the furniture store buying a complete living room set, a recliner, a bedroom set, as well as mattress and box spring.  Then I had to buy bedding, dishes, silverware,broom, mop, well you get it, everything.  I bought an antique oak, whitewash small ,extremely heavy kitchen table with two antique chairs.  It was expensive and my show piece.  I spent $350 on a lamp for the table.  That sent him over the top.  "You can buy a lamp for $50 , why do you need one so expensive.  That's ridiculous, did you lose your mind.  I can not stand by and watch you waste all this money."  My response, was, DON'T.  He and I didn't see each other for a year.  Well, we saw each other, just didn't interact.  It wasn't nice.  

About 2 years ago, I invited him to dinner on my antique oak table.  He came and has come every Tuesday since.  Just him and I having a quiet dinner with Mom's cooking.  We learned to like each other again.  Let's say we learned to respect each other again.  My way of life is very different from his.  He is a disciplined runner, health nut, car racer, that lives the high life at the Beach year round.  I live low key, alone and do not need to socialize a lot.  He has many get togethers at the Beach ( 20 minute drive) and I do not attend a lot of them.  He takes that personally, as he is quite the host.  Some in my family drink and have a blast.  I do not drink and want no part of it.  No reflection on him, it's my preference.  He has decided, I disapprove of the way he lives.  No, I do not disapprove of spending thousands of dollars on race cars, a beach home and the best wine.  Live, your  way, you earn your money.  Never, never mention my table and lamp again !!!  He doesn't mention it and I am happy he lives the "good life".  

Tonight we are having parmasean chicken, mashed potatoes, some asparagus and a salad.  He offers to bring dinner but I want to cook it for him.  My other three kids are surprised we can get along for a couple of hours.  I have dinner on the table, he sits down and eats (no wine) with his bottled water and we have a very deliberate conversation about sports and politics.  We have come to terms, finally.  

I am a bit of a spoiled brat and so is he.  My one saying to him is " stop being such a man."

It's OK to spend $1000 on a set of rims but not more than $50 for a lamp.  

To each his own.  Still love him dearly but he is not my father nor my leader.  Don't blur the lines.

To leave a comment, please sign in with
or or

Comments (15)

  1. cjb321

    Sounds like a clash of two strong wills who finally learned the term compromise.

    November 01, 2016
    1. belladora

      Absolutely, he is his Mother. No one backs down and I can be quite abrasive. Thank goodness we came to a treaty. He gets food and I get a “thank you”, very politely.

      November 02, 2016
  2. noahbody

    I’m glad you worked it out with him but you are right. It’s YOUR lamp. YOUR money that paid for it. He spends his money his way and should let you do the same.

    November 02, 2016
  3. sharnsgarden

    I think it’s a “boy” thing, my youngest is like that

    November 02, 2016
    1. belladora

      It’s a “man” thing. My younger boys wouldn’t dream of it. The youngest is alway “unique” in other ways.

      November 02, 2016
  4. Bettymom

    Compromise is great, especially when it allows the two of you to get along, no matter how briefly.

    November 02, 2016
    1. belladora

      I love the kid to death but do not want any bosses. I would be married if I wanted one. Been there, done that !

      November 02, 2016
      1. Bettymom

        That’s wonderful. Too many women never learn to be on their own at any age.

        November 02, 2016
        1. belladora

          It’s my nature to be alone. Too selfish with my time unless it serves a purpose. Too much independence to give up for a cranky man. I am happy for those that find marital bliss. Just not my cup of tea. Hope you are feeling less anxious during the countdown ! Take care

          November 02, 2016
          1. Bettymom

            I don’t think I’ll feel less anxious for quite some time!

            November 02, 2016
            1. belladora

              That may be true. The one thing we can not stop is, time. I remember my first pregnancy and how frightened I was. No control what so ever. It was the first time, I really felt anxiety. Since then, many many times, I am overly anxious. It’s normal and will all go away once the day comes for surgery. You will breeze through that and I know you will do well in rehab. You are a strong woman. Write a short story about “The Knee” ! Make sure it has a happy ending.

              November 02, 2016
  5. Bettymom

    I never worried much during my pregnancies. The first time I didn’t know any better, and the second time I was sure everything would go as smoothly as it did the first time. I’ll try to write that story once I have the new knee “installed.”

    November 02, 2016
  6. dela1970

    A strong willed child that despite his desire to father you, he clearly remains loyal to you. He watches over you and ultimately compromises to stay with you. Respects your rules, even if he does not agree. My oldest is similar. They have great hearts. They are just alpha males.

    December 14, 2016
    1. belladora

      Yes, you make a great point. Thank you for reminding me why I love him. Happy Holidays

      December 14, 2016
      1. dela1970

        Happy Holidays to you as well!

        December 14, 2016