An ex-friend died today. Guilt galore

I just have to vent.  One of my neighbors, I was very close to died in her sleep last night.  Her name was Bev and she was blind for the last 10 years.  I marveled at her when I first met her.  She had a beautiful heart, great personality and we became some what close.  She had been dating a friend of mine for about 20 years. These two were like oil and water.  They were miserable together when sober.  The solution for them was easy, get drunk, get stoned and they became gasoline and fire.  They were intense.  I did not drink nor get stoned but in the beginning I loved being around them.  It was like watching a movie.  By nature, I am a person that needs to "help" even when not necessary. It's the people pleaser in me. I enjoyed helping her out any way I could.  The guy she had been dating so long, I had known for 40 or so years.  That is how I met Beverly.  He had hit on me many times when I was a divorcee 25 years ago.  Never got any where but we became friends.  As a couple, they looked great together.  She was a tall, curvy regal looking blonde and he was a handsome guy that was vain as hell.  I loved them together.  It reminded me of Jackie Gleason and Jane Meadows in the TV series, the Honeymooners.  They capped on each other and were witty and funny.  As time went on, she became more reliant on me to help her out.  After two years of "helping her out", I was burned out.  What a noble person, I thought I was by being such a good friend.  We were kind of a threesome, only in the platonic sense.  We added a 4th person to our group ( a male)  and we had a blast.  They were getting drunk, we were listening to the oldies, telling jokes and belly hurt laughing many times.  All good things come to an end.  In the haziness of their drinking, Bev was getting friendly with the new guy. Within a few months they were having an affair and I knew it.  Where should my loyalty lie ?  I do not approve of cheating in any manner, form or respect.  It happened and I was disappointed in both Bev and the new guy.  In many ways, I believe I facilitated it.  I would cover for her all the time.  Eventually, watching them make a fool of my other friend, got on my nerves.  I decided to bow out completely and not be any part of the movie.  Thought I was being slick and slowly detached from them over a couple of weeks.  Of course, I became the bad guy.  Bev felt I was judging her ( I was) and my disapproval was obvious.  We talked and I explained, I could not be a part of the group any more.  This lovely, regal, blind blond became lethal.  I was trying to maintain being a friend with all of them from a distance.  It didn't work.  She and I had a falling out and I stopped speaking to her and basically pulled away.  She called me many times to be friends again.  I could not do it.  We went without speaking for 2 years.  One day about 6 months ago, I saw her wandering around aimlessly outside.  She had lost her bearings ( being blind, not hard to do).  I went outside and got her.  I lead her back to her house, opened the doors and led her in.  As I let go of her arm, she said " I still love you".  I just said, "sorry Bev, it will have to be from a distance."  Sad but true.  That was the last time I saw her.  Hearing she died makes me very sad those were my last words to her.  I meant what I said but I didn't consider this much distance.  I will miss her and I already grieved about the lost friendship so I am left with my guilt.  What do I do with that.

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Comments (7)

  1. Bettymom

    Wait it out. At least you can remember some very good times.

    July 12, 2017
    1. belladora

      Thank you. How are you doing ??

      July 12, 2017
      1. Bettymom

        My “good leg” hurts like hell now, but at least the new knee is working great!

        July 12, 2017
        1. belladora

          I am so happy the surgery worked out for you. I know you have been through a lot. Considering doing the other one ?

          July 12, 2017
          1. Bettymom

            Yes, I’d really like to do the other one, but the doctor says it isn’t bad enough yet, that there’s just a little arthritis in it. He gave me one of those shots in the knee, using a humongous needle. That helped for a couple of weeks, but I can’t have another shot for three months. I think he’s actually waiting for me to beg!!

            July 12, 2017
  2. RRoe

    Hugs. I feel your pain. Regrets are tough, I have a few myself. I will play the game of what-if with your permission. Could you have told her that you could only be member of the group if they were all honest and open with each other? New ground rules so to speak? What ever happened to her first boyfriend, did he find out? Which one did she end up with? I have more questions, it is an interesting story, but I will hold off for now.

    More hugs.

    July 12, 2017
  3. dincali

    ’s

    July 12, 2017